"C"

So I have had a really hard week, last Saturday a really good friend of mine killed himself, life was just too much for him I guess, something pushed him over this ledge that I don't think anyone knew he was even close to and boom, gone. It's horrible and it's sad, and I hate him for it, I hate that he didn't talk to me or anyone else for that matter, that the last time I saw him I didn't tell him how important he was because I didn't realize that he didn't know it, that he as an adult choose this way out of life leaving his wife to deal with their kids, and the rest of us to deal with ours, to try and explain why this person they looked up to and respected would do something that just a few months ago he was saying was bad and selfish. What happened, what caused him to flip his stance and to shake so many people to their cores... I wish I had the answers, but I know I never will, I like to think that if he had been in his right mind then he would never have done such a thing, that it was this split second decision he made randomly when he could see no other way out, but unfortunately it doesn't look like that was the case. It seems that he was thinking about this for a few days at least, that he had to build his courage towards it, I think that makes it worse for me, for those of us who cared for him, because it means that none of us were enough. I know I wasn't, but I shouldn't have had to be, his kids should have been what stopped him, and if the thought of them couldn't, then nothing else would have. 

I am still so in shock, tomorrow is the funeral and I still don't know how this could have happened, how this amazing, kind, smart and compassionate man could do this, I am hoping that after tomorrow, I can start to move on, that the funeral will give me some sort of closure, though I know really it won't, the only person who could explain it to me is dead, so it is just another in a long line of things I am going to have to deal with, I am going to have to accept and move on from, but it is going to be so hard, he was a huge part of my life, there were weeks I saw more of him than I did my husband. All these places just feel empty now...

Anyways, I am just going to share a few of my memories of him here, memories I think are important, memories that I will want to look back on one day, when maybe the pain isn't so fresh.

So I met this guy through scouts, his oldest son and my oldest son were in Cubs together, and at first I didn't really like him, he was rough on his kid, and wanted perfection from me and my den leader partner, and I dealt with him as little as possible, which was not a whole lot until he stepped up and decided to help with things, then you realize that this man knows what he is talking about and that he was all grr because my co den leader was a bitch, and I just sort of got stuck in the middle because I had to deal with her bitch or no, and I think he thought I would take her side, needless to say, it didn't end up that way. His mom died, and his dad got sick, and he needed help with stuff, and I can't stand to see people suffer, and I had time, and no one else was doing anything to help, so I choose to, and what I ended up finding was this awesome person with walls almost as thick as my own. I broke down his walls pretty quickly once I tried, and once I realized that I could just be me with him, which was part of his issue with me anyways, the fact that for whatever reason he could see through my facade, not many people can, or at least not many people care it is there. I got to know him and his wife pretty well, I learned to understand who and what they were and they slowly learned the same about me, we became friends, I don't have many friends, so that is a big thing for me. Anyways, now that we have some background, now onto the moments...

The first moment I want to mention is embarrassing for me, it was last year at a bridging ceremony, it was supposed to be outside, and it was so freaking cold, so I was wearing a random shirt and my jacket, no bra because I was not going to have to take my jacket off. Well, it became so cold they decided to move the ceremony inside, and I got really hot, so I took off my jacket and then wanted to make sure that I was not indecent, so I asked him, he was one of only two people there that I felt comfortable enough with to ask this, but he said nope, can't tell, looks good, so I continued taking photos and doing what I had to do, a little while later he called me over and said, well, you can't tell in the front, but it is obvious in the back, it was a really low shirt in the back, but I just smiled and slugged, I was good with that, the front was what was important...we laughed it off, later that night I went on a date with my husband. We went to watch a movie and decided to eat dinner at Applebee's, someone had left a handmade Tardis out front, so we laughed, took a photo with it and I posted it on FB, so what does C do, he messages me wondering if I had any luck finding my missing bra! It was hilarious. Then I had to explain to my husband why he was asking me about my bra, and later me C and his wife were all laying about my hubby being upset over something so small...

Another moment I want to talk happened not that long ago, less than a month for sure, we were at a pack event, and C's back hurt really bad so he was laying down in one of the rooms that was dark, his wife and I were going in to check on him and help him up if needed and I don't remember what was said exactly, something about us being worried about him and he commented something about how lucky he was to have to hot women checking up on him, that was an important moment for me because I am not a small women, and my weight is a huge thing for me, I don't find myself attractive at all, so for someone, especially someone so important to me to comment about me like that, it was awesome, he almost made me cry right there, because not even my husband comments like that to me randomly, I know that he thinks I am pretty, i can see it in the way he looks at me and how his body reacts to mine, but I don't understand why, so to have someone just randomly spout it off, it was a wow moment, he gave me more confidence, I have been trying to loose weight for a while now, and I have been succeeding and he has ways been there to make sure I know that he was proud of me for it and that he could tell, I felt like in that sense he was my biggest supporter and I am going to miss that and him so much.

The last thing I want to write currently also happened just two weeks ago, my son had a five mile hike, which we did, and then we had to hang out and be rescued,d well when we were walking it wasn't cold at all, but after sitting for approximately 30 minutes waiting to be "rescued" by the older boys who needed some first aide practice, I was freezing, after we walked back to the parking lot we were just hanging around talking out all the scenarios and stuff and I was leaning on C's side because I was freezing by then, so he took off his jacket and threw it over my shoulders even though he was only wearing a t shirt, it was so warm. I gave it back once I got back up to my normal temperature, but that was just the way he was, it didn't matter that he was going to be cold, just that I currently was so he gave me his jacket, he was truly a good man. 

I am sure this is a subject I will probably need more time to share with, but right now I need to stop and pull myself back together, it was nice to share though, nice to have someplace I could put this, I just wish I didn't need to put anything here, I just wish things were different. Yesterday I made his wife laugh, it was a short laugh but it was something, and it was all I could do, and all I can do for him right now, is be there for her and the kids and make sure they know that I love them and that he loved them even if he was lost and didn't realize it that that time. It's been a bad week, but hopefully it will get better, it has to get better right? 

Anyways, as always thanks for listening, reading, whatever it is that you do. 

Funerals

I hate funerals, I know for many they are a time to relive good memories, to remember, but I have never found joy in those types of situations, in large groups, trying to say goodbye and to share that, which is so, so personal, it is not something that I can do, not comfortably at least.  But today I had to go to a funeral, sorta, you see I could not go to the funeral because I had a super important meeting, but I still had to make sure that the family knew I was thinking of them. It was a person who was once a friend, I had known her and been friends with her from when we were two til sometime in high school, when I fell apart, she left, and I can't blame her. But I think she didn't realize that I had to go her fathers funeral, but not for her, for her mom, because when my dad died, her mom was one of only two people who hunted me out of my hiding place to make sure I knew she was thinking of me, that she was there if I needed her, and that is something that even now means so much to me, the fact that this women who I hadn't seen in years did that, it touched me, so I had to go, I had to go for her.  Sorry, I just had to share that, had to get it off my chest, share it somewhere that it would be around, because it is jot something I do, share well in groups...