Dancing

Hi y'all,

So I used to dance, I do not remember for how long, but I want to say somewhere between 6 and 8 years.  I started out with Jazz and tap, then later on added on clogging and Polynesian, though if only did the Polynesian for a couple of months, I did jazz for all but one year, tap for two or three and clogging from my second year on through my final, it was my favorite, it was fast paced just fun.  Jazz was ok, but I wanted to do like Bbop stuff, but there was not anything like that available here at that time, so I did what I could.  My 4th or 5th year there my jazz class had the dance of the year, the one everyone wanted to be in, Michael Jackson's BAD!!! It was a great dance, we all learned to moonwalk, it was probably one of the ones that I remember best as well! 

I don't think I was ever like the best dancer ever, I think I was probably mediocre at best, but if enjoyed it for the most part.  I quit because I wanted to play sports in middle school, and my dance teacher refused to allow me to do both, so I quit.  I think she thought I would stay if given an ultimatum, but that has never worked for me, if told not to do something, it is usually the first thing I will do! Within reason of course.  But I missed it, and wanted to back, but by then my dad had gotten sick, and we couldn't afford it anymore, so no more dance.  When I was in high school they had a dance class/team, but by then I had sorta given up on it, hell I had pretty much given up on everything, just making it through each day was hell, without having to worry about a ton if extra stuff to do...

It's funny though, because I had never wanted to dance in the beginning, I had wanted to do gymnastics, but I was to tall, and to big boned, so it was not something that my parents would allow me to do, they did not want my confidence to be upset.  But now as an adult I really wish I had stuck with it, I miss it, having that control over my body, and I also miss the fitness level it drive me to strive towards.  But one thing even after many years of public performances I do not miss is the stage fright, I could have been the best in the class, but I always had to start in back because all those people would freeze me, I to this day do not remember how I managed to not run off the stage at every performance, but actually do the dance. I would just desert to my head and let me body do what it had practiced I guess, but you would think after all the years of dance I did I would overcome it, yet I never have, even now when I have to get up and talk to a crowd I freeze up, or just read from a paper so I don't, but that is bad speaking skills, so I freeze up for a second and just hope I do it when a break is necessary, or cover it well, one day maybe.  I hope though that I can go back to dance, it is a part of me in a way I never would have guessed when I was younger, and I want to find it again, I'm tired of missing it!

Maine and Canada...

Well, I have been thinking a lot about the last times I went to Maine, probably since I will be heading there again next month, my mom said that I went when I was 4 and again when I was 6, but I only remember snatches of things, moments here and there and I cannot tell you which trip they are from, I had always thought it had only been one.  Anyways, I want to sort it out, see what is there...

One of the first things I remember is my cousin Michelle taught me this game called manaquins, where you were basically like the others persons model, they would move you how they wanted and it was your job to hold it, if you fell, or slipped out of the pose you lost. We played it a lot on the balcony to her apartment...

Next would be my Aunt and Uncles birds, I just remember them having a lot of birds, *shrugs*

My cousin Chad was upset because I was like 4 or 5 years younger than him and could beat him at a race, I was a very fast runner at home, which is like 4500 feet, at sea level or close to sea level I thought I had a super power, I never ran out of breath, it was very empowering.

One day I got to spend the day with my Uncle Paul, just me and him, I remember we went to a pet store, I think he may have worked there, not entirely sure about that though, and we also went to a five and dime store, it ws the only time I can remember going to a store like that, it had tons of little crap that I didn't need but so desperately wanted, I honestly don't remember whether I ended up with something or not, nut I do remember our day ended at McDonalds, which for a young me was awesome! I have always been really fond of my Uncle, though I tank that is probably the most time I have spent with him, he came down when my grandmother died, but even though I was older then, I don't remember as much from that time frame...

I am pretty sure I broke a window of a trailer throwing mud clots at a bridge, a bridge that I would never have hit, it was that far away, my cousins were doing it too, we told my Aunt Louise, and since it was empty she said just to stop throwing and left it alone.  This may though have been confused with something else, because I also did something similar here that I have very clear memories of, so it might have overlapped, though it honestly think I just didn't learn my lesson in Maine and kept it up at home until I broke another window...

One of my most strong memories of Maine were the pirate ships, on the way to Boothbay Harbor there was an old shipwreck at a river, when we went it was high tide, so you could only see the crows nest of the ship, I was so excited to see it, that my mom made sure that we would pass that point at low tide when we left, and there it was this amazing ship, one that fueled my memories and dreams for years, it was something truly magical to me, and started a lifelong passion for the derelict, I now know that it was actually two ships, and that they did mot get stranded there but were left and eventually rotted, I had to look it up a few years ago when I was hoping to bring my nosy to Maine and I wanted to share some of the magic of my childhood with them, but sadly they have since been removed, still though even knowing the truth it can never take away the feeling that wreck gave me as a child more the images it provoked and still does to this day!

Boothbay is a bit of a blur, I have no idea how much time we spent there, other than the shipwreck, I remember eating on a patio right at the harbor and watching the ships come in...

My mom once thought that she was going to become a nun, she spent something like two years in a nunnery, before she decided that was not her calling, but I remember this big white building in a field by a river, and I guess the reason we went there was because that was where my mom was studying, the people she hoped to see were not there anymore, I don't know whether they were gone for the day, or for good, but the building was beautiful and it was so green, blindingly green, I live in a desert, so green sticks with me I guess...

Another story of me and my cousins, we went to eat somewhere outside, and the houses all had stairways on the outside of them, which made no sense to me, so they taught me about a widows walk, where sea captains wives would go on the steps outside the house so they could look out to sea to see if the men were returning to the harbor yet, but I guess a lot of hem never returned, it was also this conversation that I told my cousins about my ability to see double without crossing my eyes, I have always been very good at the Magic Eye books, something I can still do but the did not beleive...

Funtown is a theme park in Maine, it was where I rode my first roller coaster, which was fantastic, it had loops and everything, and it had a log ride, and swings that I rode with Steve, who is my moms best friends husband, we stayed at there house when we went, the others rayed with other family members I think, but most importantly of all it had the haunted house, this old farm house was set back from the rest of the park, and you walked through it and things would jump out at you, and the people would grab at you, and my mom had to take all of the kids through, and there were I want I say 7 of us total, maybe more but definitely not less, and my mom is a small lady, who wears these insane heels, and has always carried a huge purse, by the end of that walk, I swear all of the kids were attached to her and the people dressed up were scared of her because after they grabbed us each once she started hitting the off with her purse and threatening them, she is totally awesome!

When we went to Maine we also went to Canada, I have some very stark memories of Canada, some of them are a good eye opener into this part of my childhood, and some of them are just fun...

First off, we went to St Andrews by the Sea, we rented out part of a house, it was split into fourths, two rooms on the bottom and two rooms on the top, we were on the bottom right, I should also point out here that both of these trips were taken with my mom, grandmother (Mimi), great grandmother(Nana),  great aunt Pat, and great uncle Mike, we visited family a lot, but also stopped anywhere my aunt wanted to.  Uncle Mike is handicapped, he got into a motorcycle wreck long before I was born, and my mom was his caregiver, so all of traveling when I was little was because of my aunt.  Anyways, I think I remember this place so well because all the old people got sick, so my mom and I spent a couple of days wandering around by ourselves, so that they could heal and because there was nothing better to do.  This house was right on the ocean, there was a grass yard that overlooked the water, at low tide you could head down the little cliff and play on the sand/mud, but during high tide the waves would hit right up where the chairs were...  

It was at this beach or somewhere close to it that i decided that swimming in the ocean sucked, the seaweed attacked me, it got hooked on to me, and would not let go and I lost it, lots of screaming ensued until my mom saved me, and after that there was no more swimming in the ocean for me, honestly even now I still don't really enjoy swimming in the ocean, splashing in the waves sure, but actually swimming out there, no thank you.

It was also here that I decided dried seaweed was super yummy, there was a restaurant there that had seaweed wrapped around the poles when you went in and out, and you could take a little bit of it as a type of palate cleanser I guess, and I just fell in love with the stuff, we had to eat there at least once a day while we were there.  Another restaurant there was just a little shack right on the pier, it served fried clams and such, and much more importantly to me, it served French fries, I did not and still do not eat seafood, but what I remember most about that shack is the seagulls, I loved feeding the seagulls much to everyone's else's displeasure, but they were pretty and white, and they would set the fries right out of my hand, it was completely awesome!

I got to see the changing of the guards in Canada, which is a British thing, but was very cool to watch and I got to ride a huge wooden unicorn, that I wish I could have taken home but one of the coolest things ever was getting to eat in a castle.  Usually children were not allowed in the castle, but my aunt somehow convinced them that I was well behaved and no one would even know I was there, so they snuck me in, and I was of course well behaved, dressed in a very expensive and frilly dress I ate and received many compliments.  When I was with my aunt it was very much that children were to be seen and not heard, so I was always dressed impeccably and my manners could rival even the snootier of adults.  And of course getting to go and do all these things and eat places wephere children were mot supposed to eat was my prize, plus of course the many compliments that were passed my way.  Most of the time I was happy about this, but sometimes I just wanted to be a kid, and when I was the only one to get yelled at for doing something all the rest of the kids were doing, it sucked, and if I did not do what the other kids did then they picked on me, I often found myself stuck in situations like this, which continued to plaque me through out my younger school years.  I was always more comfortable around adults, I knew what they expected and was very good at giving it to them, too good for a long time... But that is a story for a different day I think...

We visited with some family in Canada, and they threw a huge dinner party for us and all the family in the area, they had a pool and a playground, but it was not allowed at either because my clothes would get dirty, so the lady who hosted found me a deck of cards and sat me at my very own table in the room, which she assured me I would be allowed to eat at, so while the other kids played outside I got to play solitaire, which was fine, I did not know them, and at this point it would not have gone well for me because I was considered stuck up.  Well when it came time to eat I was at my table, which was in the same area as the rest of the kids, but my aunt insisted I eat at the adult table, since I had been so well behaved as an award, I really did not want to eat at the adult table, and I cried, which got her upset which meant my mom had to talk to me, and then the lady came and talked to me, the one who had promised me the table in the first place, eventually I ended up at the adult table, right next to my aunt so she could correct me if I decided to misbehave again, and I was quickly reminded that children were to be seen and not heard...

The first time I remember eating at an IHOP, it was actually called its full name back then was on one of these trips, and since I had done so well and not gotten food on my clothes, and been quiet unless spoken to, I got a reward, a little pancake girl bendy figure, this was the morning after the above memory and I think it was to reinforce that good behavior pays well and bad behavior pays nothing...

Well, this is all I remember at the moment, and my hands are really starting to hurt, typing on my ipad sucks, so until later...

Hi

Ok, so this is something I have been thinking about doing for a while, having someplace to share my memories, it is not so much for others, but for myself, my own personal pensieve, because sometimes I find my past overwhelming, and I think it would be nice to have someplace I can go and let it out, so that is what this is for, I do not expect there to be any rhyme or reason as to what I share and when, and do mot be surprised if it all blends into each other, it all does have a common thread after all, I cannot help but be what I am! I guess that is it for the moment, though I may even post something else tonight, the past has been haunting me, which after all if the while reason for this place...