Daddy

So my dad died a long time ago now, after what was a very long drawn out illness.  He had dementia caused by his exposure to Agent Orange while he was stationed in Vietnam. It started out small, he would forget things lying around, his keys, or his wallet, he would forget where he was going while driving, things that you can look the other way about.  This was when I was in fourth, forth grade, so I was quite young, but old enough to realize that something was not right. My mom made him go to the doctors and get checked out, he passed with flying colors like there was any way he wouldn't at that point. He had an IQ of 186, at this point it had probably dropped 10-15 points, he was still a genius. When I was in sixth grade he quit his job, said he was bored with it, he went to work instead as a night stalker at KMart, something he just could not seem to grasp, that was when we realized how much he had lost.  We took him up to Tucson to go and visit a neurologist the same neurologist who had a removed a brain tumor back when I was 2-3 years old, a tumor they never figured out I might add. They ran tests and there was nothing there. By the time I hit 7th grade my dad could no longer hold a job, but he was still getting his Army retirement, and my mom was working at a restaurant, he was going back and fourth to the VA frequently, but we were still keeping him at home. Then over a couple of weeks everything just got worse, he told us he was going to bed, the next thing we know he was driving around in his car, then he didn't come back for over an hour, my mom went to look for him and found him parked around the corner from our house, he had gotten lost while looking for the bedroom. Another morning we had to take one of the animals to the vet, when we came home we walked right into a gun, he was back in Vietnam in his head, luckily he recognized us as his, part if his unit I guess. My mom flipped, confiscated the gun, then had to wait until a friend came over to unload it, she did not know how to do so, something that was soon remedied. At this point my mom was still working I stayed at home with my dad and would call the neighbor if something happened, she would come and help us figure it out, but soon I had to call more often than not, so my mom started to take us all to work with her, her boss was sympathetic, but it wa still something that could not be done over an extended period of time. By the time I finished 7th grade my dad was in a nursing home. 

Now lets backtrack a little bit, first of my dad was a pretty big man, I already told you how amazingly smart he was, but he had also just done so much in his life.  He spoke 6 languages fluently, and another 2-3 marginally well, maybe not conversationally, but well enough to be understood and to understand in turn. He spent 6 years stationed in German and another 6 stationed in Japan, while there he was a Sumo wrestler. The Army wanted him for his mind, they were not to picky on his build. When he met and decided to marry my mom he decided it was also time to get out of the Army, he did not beleive that the military and family mixed. He got out with something like 27 years under his belt, bought the house I still live in today and settled down, soon though they were told that my mom was not going to be able to have children, she has some sort of issue with her uterus, I was their little miracle baby, 3 years after they got married and 2 after they were told kids were not going to happen, as you may imagine I was pretty spoiled. My dad's nickname for me was Sprout. And I was for sure his princess, he had wanted a boy, but was really quite happy with me because I am one hell of a tomboy! There is not a tree on our property that I have not climbed, and I used to go from tree to roof and play up there all of the time when I was younger. Every year during spring break my dad and I would go to the Sonoran Desert Museum, and sometimes we would also go to Colassal Caves, sometimes my mom would come, sometimes she wouldn't, it was our thing. We also always ate at Whataburger that day, it was his favorite fast food restaurant and he was known to randomly drive the 11/2 hours necessary to get to the closest one from our house when he craved them. One time my mom got jury duty for someone like a month, she was gone forever it felt like, but it was awesome because we ate out every night at one of two restaurants, both Oriental, it was super yummy...

Now back to some of the harder stuff again, my dad spent the rest of his life in nursing homes after he went. First he started off with one here in town, but they were just not equipped to deal with him, even though he was in a locked ward, he kept breaking the door codes, which of course was something that he had done in the Army. So he was moved to Tucson, into the VA, where he stayed for a couple of years. He shifted between wards, at first we were allowed to take him out and go to the cafe or to the courtyard, which was nice for me because even in 8th grade I was pretty active and being stuck inside for numerous hours a day did not sit well with me, even with my love of reading I preferred to do so outside, plus it was never easy to spend a lot of time with someone who did not remember you.  One of my most painful and yet relieving memories of him is this one time, I don't remember where my mom was, but he was telling be about his daughter, she was 2, and he really missed her, but he hoped that she would grow into a beauty like me, and someone who was kind enough to sit and listen to strangers go on about things they cared about.  It was bittersweet, it hurt so much, but it was nice to know I was in there somewhere, because at that point he hadn't mentioned or remembered me and my mom for quite a few months at that point, and also because because as weird as it seems there was approval there, if he wanted his daughter to grow up and be like how I was, that meant if he was who he was supposed to be he would have approved of me, he would have liked me.

Obviously growing up not without a father, but taking care of and watching your father just disappear, was not an easy thing to do. I was always a bit strange anyways, hard not to be with how I was raised, my dad always told me to be myself, not to change for anyone, and that I could do anything, absolutely anything I put my mind to. And of course I was raised to respect my elders to an extreme point with my aunt and grandmothers. So it was always such and extreme and yet interesting duality. When out with the family I was wonderfully behaved, and I got to experience so much because of it, at home I ruled and I knew it. In school it was really difficult to find my place, I had to listen to the teacher, they were the ones in charge, I had to not compromise myself with the other kids which of course did mot make me popular, I was the teachers pet, and I did not bend really well, and most importantly I was bored out of my mind. By the time I was in 5th grade my dad had taught me how to do Algebra and Statistics, I was helping one of my uncles study to become a doctor, and my teachers disliked the way I wrote because I used words they did mot understand. I was reading well beyond my school level, and during the Stanford 9's I tested post high school level I. Every subject but English, I was running a 9th grade level there. School pretty much sucked. So my dad came up with a plan, he found a school for me in Atlanta, I would graduate high school somewhere between ages 14 and 16, and then we would travel Germany until I hit 18 and the I would come home for college, U of A of course.  Obviously that did not happen, middle school was hell, high school was not as bad, I finally found people who got me, people who were not willing to change any more than I was. It was great, but I was still bored so I stopped going to class, and I started getting depressed, I started cutting, not obviously, but frequently, the bottom of my feet, I could feel it so long there, then I fell into drugs, and daddy just got worst, he stopped being able to get out of bed, no more talking, he was gone. I lost myself for a while, I stopped visiting him, it was just too much. I graduated high school, even with my less than stellar attendance record I still graduated in the top 25% of my class! I wonder what would happen if I had tried, if I had cared, I didn't really care about anything for a long time, then I met Michael, we became friends and fell in love, we had a baby, at 18, and I managed to get one picture of him with my dad, who died in May of that year. It was a relieve, he would never have wanted to live like that, nor would he have wanted to put us through all that he did. But it also sucked, I mean my dad was gone that was hard and I sort of just kept moving. I did not participate with the family at the funeral or wake, I just played cards in the back of the room with my hubby, I really did not want anyone's pity or their memories, I just wanted it all to be over.

All of this though, everything that happened help  to shape me into who I am, which I am good with, I like me, and I like where I am in life. Do I wish that I would have cared more, or that the trip to Germany would have happened, heck yeah, but then I would not have met my husband, I would not have the two most amazing kids ever, and I cannot imagine my life without them. I have the most amazing step father, he helped to make me who I am as much as my father did, I am truly blessed and after all that I have been through I know how lucky I am, so I know not to take advantage of it.